Top Three Reincarnation Wishes

If I could be reincarnated into anything I want, I would have a really hard time picking. There are a lot of things to consider; do I want to interact with humans? Do I want a hive mind? Would I rather swim indefinitely underwater or be able to fly? What would I have to eat? Would I have to hunt? How smart would I choose to be? Would I have magical powers?

After five minutes consideration, I have narrowed down my choices to the following three:

Option #1: A whale shark

Just look how happy he looks!

 

OK, first off, this is the biggest shark in the world. I think. They’re pretty big. Humans pay to swim with them in Belize and stuff, so I could still play around with people if I wanted. They’re not hunted for food because they’re so massive, so I can cross humans of my predator list (which is a big plus, as evidenced by my next option).

But the best part about being a whale shark would be how I spent my time (which is a lot of time, because whale sharks live hella long). All I would do, all day long, is swim around with my giant toaster-like mouth wide open, and I would just eat everything that swims into my mouth. Fish? Yeah! Plankton? Yum! Dolphins? Probably not, those guys are crafty. Being a whale shark would have all the benefits of being a filter feeder (one of the best creatures in the world, whose sole purpose is to hang out and eat all day), coupled with all the pros of a regular mobile fish, and on top of that they’re huge so nothing really tries to eat them. They’re the friendly giant sharks of the ocean.

In summary:
 

                Giant
                Mobile
                Swim/breathe/live underwater
                Eat all day, all the time, everything I want
                Few predators
                Get to play around with humans if I ever figure out how to swim to Belize

Option #2: A duck

 

Let me preface this with the whole humans-eat-ducks thing. Yeah, that sucks. But I think the pros of being a duck outweigh the cons (another major con being I would have eat worms and bugs). First of all, ducks are the unsung heroes of the world. They waddle on land awkwardly. They swim kind of awkwardly, when they’re tails are up in the air when they “dive”. They fly kind of awkwardly too. They really are the masters of land, air, and sea, and they’re the only animals who can do all that (except for swans, geese, and like, a lot of other birds).

 

It's really hard to take them seriously when they do this

So why choose duck over say, pelican? Because of bird rape, people. Birds get raped all the time. And yeah, I could be a male duck and be the one committing the rape, but how would I be able to look at my adorable ducklings and be all, “yeah kids, your mom put up a pretty good fight, but I kept pecking her with my beak until she got so annoyed she said yes.” So why are ducks exempt from bird rape? Well, they’re not. But the female ducks have multiple duck vaginas, only one of which is the real one. So if I was a female duck and some other duck tries to rape me with his corkscrew duck penis, I can be all, “Nope! Here, you get the fake vagina. Ain’t no way in hell I’m letting you father my ducklings, bitch.”

Plus, when I was in college, there was the male duck and his slightly challenged-looking female duck friend who would always hang out together in front of the student union building and they were most definitely mated for life. I think ducks mate for life? Once the female picks which mallard she likes.

In summary:

                Can fly
                Can swim
                Can walk on land
                Am adorable
                Can choose male duck mate for life
                Get to have adorable ducklings

 

Option #3: A Jaguar

 

 

So the jaguar was my elementary school mascot. There was a before-school-starts-breakfast-club for children whose parents couldn’t be bothered with them before 8 am called “Jaguar Club.” But real jaguars are way cooler than those kids were.

First off, giant cats are just awesome. I’m not even really a cat person. I’d rather have a dog any day, but if there were an animal club where all the animals got along and just hung out with music and drinks, then you know all the other animals would be thinking, “wow, those guys are just so much cooler than I am” when the big cats walk into the club with their cool spots and stuff. Even I, a human in this imaginary animal dance club, would think “I’ve got nothing on those guys. They’re cooler than my Golden Retriever, too” (bad example, almost any animal is cooler than the Golden Retriever, a lovable companion, but hard to take serious. Don’t get me wrong; I love them, but they’re just silly, not cool).

So why a jaguar and not a mountain lion or snow leopard? The jaguar is the largest big cat in the Western Hemisphere, and it’s also the third largest in the world. And according to Cracked, jaguars have the strongest jaws of all cats; strong enough to crack open a turtle shell.

Now, I don’t think I would want to crack open a turtle shell and eat a turtle… as a human. But as a jaguar? I could hunt and eat almost anything. Including caimans, which are practically giant crocodiles. This jaguar killed it in water by drowning it. I’m sorry, but that’s fucking awesome. As a human woman, I am scared for an inordinate amount of time in my normal day. I’m scared when I have to walk to my apartment at night, I’m scared whenever I’m alone in the city, and I’m scared when I read articles about other women who weren’t scared enough and got gang raped at 7 am when they were trying to catch a cab, or something. So the idea of being a fearsome, giant cat who kills indiscriminately? Pretty appealing.

 

Just a regular Thursday afternoon.

In summary:      

Is one of the coolest animals in the Animal KingDome (I’ve decided that’s the club name)
Get to run really fast and hunt other animals
Have super strong jaws
Can eat almost anything
Very few predators
No fear. Ever.

 

There you have it. Should the gods above deign me worthy enough to choose which animal I’d like to come back as, those are my top three.